Prima Panickerina: on the Dance of Fear into Love

​Authenticity is in-demand. For an entrepreneur like me, it seems indispensable in your marketing mix. Fortunately, it’s much more than that. REALLY much more.
As a voice-over artist and coach, I hold authenticity in high regard. When voicing a commercial, I increasingly get asked to 'make it sound nothing like an ad voice,' and as a coach, I always encourage my clients to present themselves as they truly are and not to 'gloss over' anything.
Yet, this past weekend, I realized that even I don’t always speak what’s really going on. That I diminish myself in some contexts and amplify in others. During the Being Business Intensive in Amsterdam, coaches Moritz Lembert and Ria Gijsbers made this painfully clear. And the clearer it became, the more I chose to deny it.
A physical exercise suddenly triggered my deepest fear. I then wrapped myself in a self-designed loop of old thoughts: ‘what should I do now?’, ‘what’s appropriate here?’, ‘what are the others doing?’, ‘how do I do it correctly?’. When no answer came, for a moment I even decided that ‘everyone was against me,’ and ‘out to get me’. There was anger and slight aggression.
I was shocked: was ‘THAT’ who I was being? And so I persisted even more in the resistance: maybe I could just fake a smile?!

Pictures by Jae Hutter and Yangxuan Zhou

‘I’m sorry, but I’m going to pass. This doesn’t feel right for me.’ That’s what I DIDN’T say. And the only thing needed to re-lease and re-plenish myself in that moment. That one sentence authentically conveyed what was happening in that very instant.
It would have made the difference between pushing against the fear and dancing with the love that would emerge from my newfound freedom.
Authenticity. ‘Vulnerability researcher’ Brené Brown defines it as ‘the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.’
I don’t know exactly who or what I thought I needed to be in that one exercise. I mostly know that in that moment, I stopped believing in what was possible. Me. I, who assert to everyone – and truly believe – that ‘ANNyting is possible.’ I, who stand for what I speak and speak for what I stand. Me?
In that moment, I chose not to connect. I was telling myself ‘I’ had no choice. An old story, presented to me by someone who probably thought he had no choice himself. Not my story. Not my world.
What do I want to bring into possibility?
‘Vulnerability,’ I heard yesterday. Later, the word ‘light’ popped up in my mind. Light, as the opposite of heavy, resistance, and darkness too.
And with that, I saw myself gracefully smiling and floating just above the earth’s surface. Like a ‘prima panickerina,’ gently taking the lead over my fear. 

Pictures by Jae Hutter and Yangxuan Zhou

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